Ok, so im trying to figure out where all this bad karma is coming from(i know, not the traditional Hindu sense of it, im not in the mood for semantics). i know i lived a wild life before. I was a prick and all, i did my share of bad living. But wtf i get it I've had e-fucking-nough. I've changed my life so much. I quit pot years ago. In highschool i was a womanizer you could say since i just wanted sex and no more. I am not proud of how all i lived but i changed. Now, i treat who im with the best and am searching for true love and a life partner, but i get used, abused, and fucked over. I've become a selfless person, always putting others ahead of myself and some take advantage of that. If i didn't have so many bills, honestly most of the money i make would go into random acts of kindness, and i still manage to maintain paying it forward like picking up someone's tab at the drive thru...but anyway...my back is fucked and will never be the same but will get better with my PT, never 100%. my ankle got screwed up a few months ago and is still size of baseball. My other leg i screwed up a week ago, bad sprained to tendons and ligaments around knee and calf(lots of pain now and im weak with a limp, hurts to stand or walk more than 20 mins plus hurts back). i also got diagnosed carpal tunnel both hands this past year. Irritable bowel issues im starting to question. Depression that was starting to get better but is back. Panic attacks/ Generalized Anxiety Disorder getting worse. And now that i turned 26 a few days ago i lost my health insurance and can't afford my own. Continuous woman woes when i just want someone to love and be loved, while being compatible and whatnot. My birthday was ruined for me for unnamed reasons and he didn't intend to and did it unknowingly. Next day im doing better after bday lunch with cousin and grandparents andthat got ruined when camp president personally attacked me for no reason, he apologized to camp but not me. Icing on the cake: tonight, my friendship with a kid that i lived with in college who is like a brother to me ended, as well as shit blowing up with other friend's mom over this and she was out of line, i will not return to there. He is begging for me back now but fuck this shit im done bending over and taking it raw unlubed. O and while this allcwent on i donated 13 inches of hair to charity(and i feel naked and hate short hair). i 100% do not believe in Christianity and never will because of my personal experiences, studies or religion and history, and common sense. I have been a proud pagan for 12 years(o btw i lost my beloved pentacle this past week that i only took off a few times in last 12 years) and fully believe it in my eclectic path that also adapts some shamanism, animism,Hinduism, budism, Judaism, and much more but roots in Wicca. But at this point with all of the crap, i don't know. Im losing faith in humanity, but im near the point of being atheist. Why does this all happen to me, why?!?! . listen to R.E.M.- Losing My Religion, as im about to(maybe im off because i don't know the lyrics in dept yet), but i am losing my faith in humanity and in general. Im thankfully for the good friends and family i do have, and therapy and the med:all of this gets me by day to day. If you notice me being more cynical and maniacal, understand why(like all of gradeschool being bullied and beaten up). but at the least, i won't let this bring me down(well outside of depression), i will still strive to be the best person i can(like giving my only drink for a long drive to a homeless guy at a traffic light last month), to be selfless, to be a decent citizen of the planet even thoughbthats a dying breed. If you need anything, im here for you, i always try to put others before myself. Thanks for reading, i just needed to get this off my chest. Now im going to put on some Infected Mushroom, meditate, and get some much needed sleep if the.pain will let me. Goodnight hookahforum, see you tomorrow.