So True...

[mushrat]

So once in a Blue Moon someone actually forewards me something in my e-mail that was kinda funny. This was one of the few...



Subject: How to Shower....

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Rinse off.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.




-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If there is anyone who did not laugh at the truth behind this, there is something SO very wrong with you.

Have a great day..... and woo woo!!!

[iron molly black]

Another true one:

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is P U RE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... tha t will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) What ever: Is a women's way of saying F#%! YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

[*HOT&SMOKING*]

Mush, I must say I almost fell of of my chair laughing, while I was reading what you wrote

+10

-H&S Edited May 1, 2008 by *HOT&SMOKING*

[Snoopy1966]

Woooo Wooooo!!! LOL

[Muhammad]

Lol mush your post killed it! Anyways talking of "stupid forwards" I thought I'd add this one about Human Stupidity...

Questions of human stupidity:

...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins"?

...why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

...whose idea was it to put the letter "S" in "lisp"?

...why doctors call what they do "practice"?

...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?

...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

...why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

...why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

...why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?



In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion ).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because?)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one:

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) Edited May 1, 2008 by Muhammad

[r1v3th3ad]

wow, I'll be posting here ofter...my gmail account is full of these...my dad is retired and sends me a minimum of 10 a day...I don't even read them, it gets annoying...now I have a reason to lol

[*HOT&SMOKING*]

wow, I'll be posting here ofter...my gmail account is full of these...my dad is retired and sends me a minimum of 10 a day...I don't even read them, it gets annoying...now I have a reason to lol

Yeah lol I have a few aswell....better go find them...

-H&S

[Snoopy1966]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.





She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.





She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.





As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.





"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.





"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.





"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.





"Tell him ," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

[iron molly black]

That ones going to get transferred over to the Wenches' Board!

[mushrat]

I liked all of those. If the ones I got in my box every day were that funny I wouldn't mind..but the majority...gods...

[iron molly black]

None of that Sissy Crap. Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;'because you are my friend'. Friendship is like peeing your pants,everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth. Send this to 10 of your closest friends,then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

[iron molly black]

Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

************************************

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our re-admittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.

[Snoopy1966]

Deep poem. I can hear the bongos as I was reading it...Snap Snap!! lol

[*HOT&SMOKING*]

So here is my contribution...
On a side note I know not everyone is the best with technology, but these are just bad....

Some actual complaints and problems received at a Tech Support



Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
customer: A white one... ===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: ! Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. ===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11. ===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... ===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars. ===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. ===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A! friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time ! I move the mouse, it disappears. ===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? ===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." ===============

And last .............

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT! Edited May 3, 2008 by *HOT&SMOKING*

[St. Goodypants]

I've seen the tech support, the shower like a man/woman, and the 9 things women say.

I liked the unfurnished bathroom one though. That was good.

[sneakyburrito]

to the OP, that forwarded email was originally from a video up on ebaumsworld. http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/19277/ check it out.