Not exactly clean jokes.

[Teufelhund]

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?" Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With surprise she asks, "Fred what the hell are you doing!?" Fred smiles and replies, "I'm f**king Charlie's wife.  He's in Chicago!"

 

[Teufelhund]

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died.
A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible." "Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

[Skoozle]

Once a pirate walked into a bar a bar and tbe bartender correctly pointed out that he had a ship's wheel sticking out of his gly and a mermade was spinning it left and right.

The bartender asked the pirate if he was aware of the situation.

The pirate replied "Aaarrr, she's driving me nuts."

[Chreees]

Wow Ashely, that's probably the oldest thread I've ever seen anyone necro...

Good thread, though! Unfortunately I have nothing to contribute to it right now.

[Rani]

A joke my grandmother told me years ago - guaranteed to make women laugh and men cringe........

So this guy lived on the beach and was a health nut. He ate really healthy and worked out every morning before dawn. At the end of every workout he'd throw a towel on and run down the beach to the water for naked swim no matter how cold the water. No one ever saw him because he was always back inside before the sun came up. One morning though as he came out of the water he had to grab his towel in a hurry because there was a little girl walking on the beach. He went up to ask her what she was doing out before dawn, but before he could even ask her name, she asked what he was hiding under the towel. He didn't know what to say so he said the first ting that came to mind...."A bird," he said. The next thing he knew he was waking up in the hospital after having had extensive surgery below the waist. The doctor told him they'd done a good job putting him back together but asked what the hell had happened. He didn't remember anything past telling the little girl he had a bird under the towel.

So the doctor gets a nurse to go out to the beach and see if she can find a little girl matching the description his patient had given him. The nurse went out to the beach and looked around a while until she came across a young girl building a sand castle. So the nurse asked her if she'd seen a man on the beach early in the morning. The little girl nodded.

"What on earth did you do to that man?" the nurse asked.

"He told me he had a bird under that towel and I didn't believe him so I peeked. It was the ugliest bird I ever saw so I wrung it's neck, stomped on it's eggs, and set its nest on fire!"




What can I say? Granny was a hoot. It was New Year's Eve and one too many Harvey Wallbangers that brought on the joke.

'Rani

[Skoozle]

[quote name='Chreees' timestamp='1354069709' post='563120']
Wow Ashely, that's probably the oldest thread I've ever seen anyone necro...

Good thread, though! Unfortunately I have nothing to contribute to it right now.
[/quote]

I was covering my tracks in the betta fish thread. But I'm glad I did.

An elderly couple were talking one day and the woman mentioned that they don't have sex as often as they used to.

The man said he had asked if she was in the mood just the night before and when she ignored him he assumed she wasn't.

She said she had tried a few days ago and was ignored by him.

They realized that their failing hearing was causing them to miss opportunities and decided to come up with a non verbal way of communicating in the evenings.

The woman said "ok, if you're in the mood, you just reach over and give my boob two squeezes and if you're not in the mood just give it one squeeze.

The man said "That's a great idea. Whenever you're in the mood, just reach over and pull on my pecker once and when you're not in the mood, go ahead and pull on it a couple hundred times.

[aaron_cg]

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! We are NOT using that!"

A week passes, and the ad man returns with another tape. The new tape shows Jesus hanging on the cross in the background, and in the foreground a centurion turns to the camera and says, "B&Q nails: they hold anything!" The CEO is furious and yells, "JESUS IS NOT GETTING NAILED TO THE CROSS WITH B&Q NAILS, PERIOD!"

Another week goes by, and the ad man comes back with a third tape. This time Jesus sprints down the street with a group of centurions in pursuit. As he passes the camera one of the centurions turns and says, "We should have used B&Q nails!"

[Skoozle]

3 men went camping together and shared a tent.

When they woke up in the morning, the guy who slept on the left told the other two about this fantastic erotic dream he had the night before. The guy who slept on the right said he had also had a dream about being with a beautiful woman. The guy who slept in the middle said he was disappointed because he had only dreamed that he was snow skiing.

[Urloc]

An old lady goes to the doctor and says

"I have a problem, I fart a lot, I am constantly doing and I am farting while I am here with you, the thing is they do not smell at all and do not make much noise."

Doctor replies, "I see... ok, take these pills and come back next week".

After a week the old lady comes back and says:

"I don't know what the hell you gave me the other day but I still fart a lot and now they smell like rotten corpses, however they do not make any noise"

Doctor replies "It seems your sinus is healed, now we will see what can we do with your hearing"

[Cp44]

Two guys were in a car that broke down infront of a farm, they go knock on the door looking for help. A farmer opens the door and they plead with him to stay for the night. The farmer said

"ok you can stay in the barn as long you dont have sex with my daughter, if you do I'll kill ya both"

They both agreed, later on in the night the daughter sneaks out to the barn and has sex with both of them. The next morning the daughter screams

"I'm pregnant!!"

The farmer tells both the guys "you broke the promise now I have to kill ya both"

The two guys were begging for their lives and will do anything to make up for it. The farmer said "ok, both of you go out into the field, pick 100 things, shove it up your ass without laughing. If you laugh, you die. So the first guy goes out and shoves cherries up his ass, he's at 95, 96, 97, 98, 99 and busts out laughing. The farmer says

"you lose now i have to kill you but before i do, why did you laugh?" he asks.

He says "I was laughing because I see my buddy out there pick up a watermelon"

[Bawhee]

Aight, this one isnt that dirty, just long and semi fitting.
So this woman goes to a doctor, gets in and sees this asian doctor, handsome guy.
She says: "Doctor, I have a problem, no matter what I do I cant get men interested in me..."
The doctor looks at her and murmurs to himself, then tells her to strip down and get on her knees.
She does as he asks and he says quite certainly: "You seem to have Ed Zachary syndrome"
The woman asks fearfully, what Ed Zachary syndrome is and the doctor replies: "Your face looks Ed Zachary like your ass."