Hard Stuff

[SimplexCoda]

So i have been in a relationship with a great girl for 4 years. But i have decided its time to do a little relationship assessment. i have decided that im going to make a list of traits that i want in a wife. Im doing this by spending as little time with her as possible right now so as to have as unbiased of a list as i can. Im not doing this because i dont like being with her, Im doing it because im 21 and shes 20. I havent ever really thought about what kind of girl i want to spend my life with. I feel like now is the best time to decide since im young and just incase i do decide we arent right for each other. Another reason im doing this now is because i want to make sure that im only married once (sorry i just believe that a marriage is for a lifetime, nothing against anyone who doesnt think so, its just want i want in my life) and a life time can be a very long time, unless your with the right person, then its going to be far too little time. i would rather it be the latter. Im also never going to let my current GF or anyother lady see my list because i dont want someone to try to have qualities they dont have because then either i wont be happy because they dont have what i want, or they wont be happy because they are trying to be something they arent. I also realize that i probably will never find a woman that has everything on my list, but im a reasonable man. I was just wonderin if any of you guys (or ladies for the ones on the forum) have ever given such things thought and encourage those that are unmarried to do so before marriage. Edited September 20, 2008 by SimplexCoda

[Giant Ninja Robot]

Hey CODA!!!!

I think you have your head in a great place. I agree with your opinion of marriage, though many would consider it antiquated, you owe no apologies for holding such a serious bond and commitment in such high regard. It's a serious thing my friend.

Being married for almost 5 years now I can tell you straight up that you wont find someone who will meet ALL of your ideals...part of the beauty of a longterm relationship is loving the differences you have and learning from eachother. My wife and I have very different interests on many ways and many different strengths and weaknesses but it works so well because we really balance eachother out.

I think often in modern society we are so used to having OUR way, being spoiled, and having the option to tailor things to our specific wants that we think we can do the same thing to people, stead of taking them for who they are...the trade up when you find something "better " mentality.

What you are doing is a great justice to the woman you end up with, whether it be your sassy redheaded lady or not. The woman you end up with deserves to have all of you without regrets lingering. And you deserve the same. If you wanna chat just holler at me and I'd love to share some of my notions of romance and marriage

In my story, I was married at 18 and we got pregnant 2 weeks into our marriage. Hard stuff at such a young age when you are both growing into the people you want to be. My wife and I have both changed considerably since then and we are lucky enough, though we do clash pretty often (the price of a passionate relationship), to have grown and matured in love with eachother, supporting eachother along the way.

I think we have options in this life - there are billions of women out there and you are compatible with MANY of them. If you believe in such, I think it comes down to a healthy mix of fate and decision.

Remember, that can be a beautiful part of marriage, when you acknowledge that you HAVE options but choose to be with eachother, throughout the whole journey. It can strengthen a bond immesurably to know that regardless of the possible destiny involved in your convergence as a couple, you are every day making that choice to love and cherish eachother.

Like I said Doggy, sounds like you're on the right path with a clear head. And writing things out always helps with perspective.

[erufiku]

No... never thought of getting married, except in that petrified we-had-a-bit-much-wine-and-then-some-irresponsible-fun way the-day-after. Anyway I don't understand why would one want to commit when there are so many different flavors to try out there That being said, it's Friday evening and about time to get my ass to the club.
Happy Friday!

[SimplexCoda]

No... never thought of getting married, except in that petrified we-had-a-bit-much-wine-and-then-some-irresponsible-fun way the-day-after. Anyway I don't understand why would one want to commit when there are so many different flavors to try out there That being said, it's Friday evening and about time to get my ass to the club.
Happy Friday!

ahaha thats funny. Well i certainly can understand where you are commin from on the different flavors, but i just personally want a particular person to share memories with.

[ktiz]

Coda, I definately think people need certain things from other people.
If your current girlfriend doesn't meet your needs then there isn't any sense in staying with her and much less, thinking about marrying her.
but only you know what is right for you. Don't stay with someone for the wrong reasons. It never turns out well that way. Drug out relationships just cause more heartbreak.

It's good to reflect on these kinds of things instead of getting into something that will make you unhappy and effect the rest of your life. I don't know if this is already taken place but perhaps take a break for a while and see what happens.

Also, like you said, you are still really young. I guess what I would do in this situation is try not to worry about it so much and just go with the flow. I have confidence that whatever happens will be the best for you in the end. You will know what is right because you know what is right for you.

[SimplexCoda]

Coda, I definately think people need certain things from other people.
If your current girlfriend doesn't meet your needs then there isn't any sense in staying with her and much less, thinking about marrying her.
but only you know what is right for you. Don't stay with someone for the wrong reasons. It never turns out well that way. Drug out relationships just cause more heartbreak.

It's good to reflect on these kinds of things instead of getting into something that will make you unhappy and effect the rest of your life. I don't know if this is already taken place but perhaps take a break for a while and see what happens.

Also, like you said, you are still really young. I guess what I would do in this situation is try not to worry about it so much and just go with the flow. I have confidence that whatever happens will be the best for you in the end. You will know what is right because you know what is right for you.

Like i say i dont feel like its wrong, i just want to be sure its right. Thank you for the imput katie, your great just so you know.

[bjelder]

Start dating guys.

[Johnny_D]

Start dating guys.

I suspect that Coda is an 'exit only' kinda guy.

Coda I've never heard of anyone making a 'list' out side of the 30-somethings comedy friends.

And it's an odd idea. I couldn't list anything about my wife. If your making lists, you might be barking up the wrong tree as it were....

Love, marriage, partnership ultimately come from the heart. Best advice is don't date a swamp donkey and if you think she'll blow your best friend and/or random blokes then avoid.

If you have trust everything else will be sorted out.

JD

[Big Boss]

The only advice I can offer is do you think you can spend the rest of your life with her? Oh yeah, good luck in your soul searching. It can be rough, I know.

[SimplexCoda]

Start dating guys.

I suspect that Coda is an 'exit only' kinda guy.

Coda I've never heard of anyone making a 'list' out side of the 30-somethings comedy friends.

And it's an odd idea. I couldn't list anything about my wife. If your making lists, you might be barking up the wrong tree as it were....

Love, marriage, partnership ultimately come from the heart. Best advice is don't date a swamp donkey and if you think she'll blow your best friend and/or random blokes then avoid.

If you have trust everything else will be sorted out.

JD

Oh no i understand that it comes from the heart, but i also understand that there are certain things that i want in a person, im not saying i cant or wont love a woman who doesnt have these things, im just puttin down a sorta compalation of what i hope to find.