Ramadan Journal

[Tyler]

[quote name='Scrappydoo' timestamp='1312861524' post='519307']
[quote name='Tyler' timestamp='1312795493' post='519220']
So I reached a breaking point. Not in Ramadan, but in life. Maybe fasting was a blessing in disgise, the extra push over the edge that I needed but while it sucks right now I have faith that I'm going to make it through...though not in the way many people think...

...not as a Muslim
...not as a Christian
and not as a Jew


rather as a Child of God. I think that what I've been doing is taking Islam as a religion and manipulating it enough so that my Christian roots were comfortable...I was never fully a Muslim I can admit that, and I never fully left Christianity in my heart, I can admit that too, but what I can't admit is why...

Not because I don't want to...but because I don't know.

I love Islam. Anyone who has ever talked to me about Islam knows that fact. I also love Christianity, and Judaism. But I always had this attraction for Islam but maybe it was more of an academic attraction than a personal conviction attraction. I've been feeling this way ever since I graduated from my program...there was something different, something that I wasn't sure of...

Who knows. I have some soul searching to do, and I just have to tell myself that it isn't wrong to be a Christian, or a Muslim, or a Jew, or anything, what is wrong is being something, saying something that you're not and that you're not sure if you believe in...

There are 2 things right now that I am certain of:

1) God exists in a very real way, and tonight I think I felt the Lord's presence

2) I know I'll probably lose some "friends" along the way for this soul searching, because thats just how some people are. They want to put you in a box and they'll be damned if you ever leave that box. So I might be jumping boxes but who knows. I might stay put. The only thing left now is some serious soul searching, praying, and love.
[/quote]

[font="Georgia"][size="2"][color="#4b0082"]Fasting very often brings people to a breaking point. It also brings you to new levels of awareness you've never believed possible. I think everyone questions and re-evaluates what they believe from time to time. Just follow your heart. Follow what your heart believes to be true. Some people need organized religion and all the rules and leaders, some are more free spirits. FOR me, Islam makes the most sense in philosophy. I like the guidelines but I don't always believe every hadeeth and fatwa that comes down the path on everything from fingernail polish to how to use the restroom. I know we are all very simliar, but Christianity confuses me and it is those differences that caused me to revert. Long run, any "friend" who loses you because of what you believe was never a friend in the first place. You're better off without them. Don't get caught up in titles, what is between you and GOD is what matters. What other people think.....pffft! (raspberry and not the juicy Mizo kind!)[/color][/size][/font]
[/quote]

Thanks BB that means a lot coming from you. You know how much I've struggled with this in the past and I've done a lot of soul searching. What I think happened was when I moved to my new apartment I live with 2 Muslims, and a lot of my Muslim friends live literally a few doors down. I think I was pushing myself to the Islam side more than I really wanted to because I thought they would judge me for being "on the fence" or in the middle of things. While I did that, I lost myself. And when my faith started to suffer, my foundation gave way. I've been overly emotional, very irritable, and just not myself. I don't know what answers lie ahead of me at this point, for the first time in a long, long time. But I know that with the real, true friends I have, both in "real life" and on here, I'll make it through and I'll ultimately be okay.

[Scrappydoo]

[quote name='Tyler' timestamp='1312882047' post='519334']
[quote name='Scrappydoo' timestamp='1312861524' post='519307']
[quote name='Tyler' timestamp='1312795493' post='519220']
So I reached a breaking point. Not in Ramadan, but in life. Maybe fasting was a blessing in disgise, the extra push over the edge that I needed but while it sucks right now I have faith that I'm going to make it through...though not in the way many people think...

...not as a Muslim
...not as a Christian
and not as a Jew


rather as a Child of God. I think that what I've been doing is taking Islam as a religion and manipulating it enough so that my Christian roots were comfortable...I was never fully a Muslim I can admit that, and I never fully left Christianity in my heart, I can admit that too, but what I can't admit is why...

Not because I don't want to...but because I don't know.

I love Islam. Anyone who has ever talked to me about Islam knows that fact. I also love Christianity, and Judaism. But I always had this attraction for Islam but maybe it was more of an academic attraction than a personal conviction attraction. I've been feeling this way ever since I graduated from my program...there was something different, something that I wasn't sure of...

Who knows. I have some soul searching to do, and I just have to tell myself that it isn't wrong to be a Christian, or a Muslim, or a Jew, or anything, what is wrong is being something, saying something that you're not and that you're not sure if you believe in...

There are 2 things right now that I am certain of:

1) God exists in a very real way, and tonight I think I felt the Lord's presence

2) I know I'll probably lose some "friends" along the way for this soul searching, because thats just how some people are. They want to put you in a box and they'll be damned if you ever leave that box. So I might be jumping boxes but who knows. I might stay put. The only thing left now is some serious soul searching, praying, and love.
[/quote]

[font="Georgia"][size="2"][color="#4b0082"]Fasting very often brings people to a breaking point. It also brings you to new levels of awareness you've never believed possible. I think everyone questions and re-evaluates what they believe from time to time. Just follow your heart. Follow what your heart believes to be true. Some people need organized religion and all the rules and leaders, some are more free spirits. FOR me, Islam makes the most sense in philosophy. I like the guidelines but I don't always believe every hadeeth and fatwa that comes down the path on everything from fingernail polish to how to use the restroom. I know we are all very simliar, but Christianity confuses me and it is those differences that caused me to revert. Long run, any "friend" who loses you because of what you believe was never a friend in the first place. You're better off without them. Don't get caught up in titles, what is between you and GOD is what matters. What other people think.....pffft! (raspberry and not the juicy Mizo kind!)[/color][/size][/font]
[/quote]

Thanks BB that means a lot coming from you. You know how much I've struggled with this in the past and I've done a lot of soul searching. What I think happened was when I moved to my new apartment I live with 2 Muslims, and a lot of my Muslim friends live literally a few doors down. I think I was pushing myself to the Islam side more than I really wanted to because I thought they would judge me for being "on the fence" or in the middle of things. While I did that, I lost myself. And when my faith started to suffer, my foundation gave way. I've been overly emotional, very irritable, and just not myself. I don't know what answers lie ahead of me at this point, for the first time in a long, long time. But I know that with the real, true friends I have, both in "real life" and on here, I'll make it through and I'll ultimately be okay.
[/quote]

[font="Georgia"][size="2"][color="#000080"]Yes, I do and I'm here to support you whatever you decide (or if you never really decide!) Unfortunately, some people in their "enthusiasm" can drive you away instead of rise you up and you just have to be your own gatekeeper. I've met some Muslims here who are extreme in their opinions, if I'd met them earlier in my journey they would have scared me away from Islam. I'm sure you know what I am talking about, exploiting the hadeeth or fatwas that serve them. Just take some time for yourself and meditate on what you KNOW to be true and what makes sense. Remember the quote "There is no compulsion in religion, the Truth will be clear from error. Whoever believes in ALLAH (swt) and the last day has grasped a handhold that will never break. And GOD knows all things." Al-Baqarah; 256. I have no doubt you will be awesome, as ever.[/color][/size][/font]

[Scrappydoo]

Ty, baby!

I was thinking. Have you stopped to consider maybe you're having such a hard time is that fasting is too much for you, right now? You know, my husband hasn't fasted for years, with his blood sugar and MS meds, he really can't and no one faults him for that. I have a feeling you're pushing yourself beyond what your body is capable of and that's why it's so difficult. Think about it and pray on it and see if that is not at least a temporary relief.

You know I'm here for ya, baby!