Break Ups And How To Deal

[dizzbizz]

So, long story short, my girlfriend of more than seven years just recently decided she wants to be single and "find" herself. This happened about two weeks ago and I'm not taking it so well. So I thought a thread might be helpful to me if anyone wants to share some wisdom or their own stories. I can elaborate a little later on the break up, I just didn't want to rant about it. At the moment I'm trying to be more active, but my stomach always feels empty and I a bit nauseous. Nothing seems to get my mind off of this. Running does a bit, but I can only run so long. I started up music again, trying to express it all, but that's slow going.

Anyway. What do you all have?

[Cloud-Hookah]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq_qL79lejA

[Chreees]

Man, that's rough dude. My wife and I have been together about the same length of time. I couldn't imagine her leaving me. I really don't know what to tell you, besides it wasn't meant to be. It sucks right now, but later on you'll look back and understand.

 

Keep your head up, man.

[DrSmokes]

This happened to my friend, except she was cheating on him after about as long as you guys were together. He was depressed for quite some time...lost 50lbs or so. He started working out again, met another woman (this was years ago) and has recently gotten married to her. 

 

The girl on the other hand (the one that cheated), has had like 4 kids and the guy she cheated on my friend with is a big fat slob now. She's always complaining about him not doing anything (via fb) lol. Karma at its best.

 

I wish you well.

[dizzbizz]

Sweet song Cloud. Haha.

Thanks for the good thoughts guys. I just think it's fucked up that one day she decides this and that's all there is. I'm glad she want cheating, at least to my knowledge. I'd probably go postal if that happened.

[Stuie]

I will put it like this, it wasn't meant to be. I have gone through my fir share of break ups in my past. All of them were not my decision...well one was initially but that's a long freaking story....anyways.... it takes time. Man I felt miserable for all of them except the long story one. No matter how bad I felt, looking back now that I am married to the love of my life, I see that it was a natural process of mourning, but in the end I was glad it happened. Personally accept that you are going to go through mourning and in the end this road will lead you to your true love. On a side note, a pub crawl, or bottle of port, or couple of bottles of DP and Everclear do help the mourning process. But in the end it will take time. Purge the memories of her into a box, for you to deal with later. This event is part of your life and trying to erase it is impossible and pointless. Every event in our life shapes, grows us, makes us better and stronger.

 

To quote Captain Kirk (sorry for the super nerd reference) {Well I'll link it so I don't screw it up}

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WLzJAebfEIg

[frenchyfam]

HEY, atleast you got a girlfriend lol ... im going to die a virgin this area i live in is quite frankly impossible to get women. i FEEL SO OLD im just wasting my life doing nothing lol

[Stuie]

HEY, atleast you got a girlfriend lol ... im going to die a virgin this area i live in is quite frankly impossible to get women. i FEEL SO OLD im just wasting my life doing nothing lol're 

You're 18....life doesn't even start to be awesome until your mid 20s. you got time brother!

[dizzbizz]

Yeah at least Frenchy.

Thanks for that Stuie, and yeah that was a super nerdy quote. Haha. I know I just need to muscle through this process but I hate it. I've been feeling more optimistic lately. I don't know what the emotional stages you go through are but I'm definitely at the pissed off stage.

[mattarios2]

Been there many times man ... everything Stuie said is exactly how it is.

 

You will be just fine, just takes time

[KnightHawk63]

There's plenty of stages in mourning and each has a different effect on each person but for the most part it all remains the same, anger, sadness, depression, unwillingness to accept, then finally it all culminates to the point where you do accept how you are feeling and what you are feeling. Things start to turn for the better. Just keep active and don't think about the what if's, could's, should's, all those questions that just circulate and regurgitate. That's not a healthy thought pattern and will just drive you insane. As others said, it wasn't meant to be. But damn 7 years is just too long to drop ship like that... something has had to been building up over that time.

[dizzbizz]

Yeah, well we moved in a place together the beginning of this year and before we broke up she said that for the past couple weeks she felt like all we have left to do was get married and all that. I told her now that I work for an airline I wanted us to travel and I didn't want to get married or anything for a long time. So I suggested that if moving in was the issue we can just kill the lease and live separately. She didn't really go for that and at that point I figured she just thought we've been together too long and wanted out. We've been together since we were 17 and she also said that she didn't feel like we've been able to grow independently and we were too dependent on each other. Mostly because we started dating so early and for so long. I understand that but I don't really feel like that. I mean it's not like we don't have friends that we hang out with and hobbies separate from one another.

[agunn1231]

So many people are going through break-ups the last few weeks, it'll be two weeks on monday for me.My ex (who used to be pretty active around the forum), and I have lived together since we started dating about 5 years back, we did hit a rough patch in 2012 and were seperated for about three or four months, but we have considered ourselves being together for 5 years. She is in the process of moving all her stuff out of our apartment, including the bed and the cat. Luckily there are no hard feelings with this break-up and we both felt it was for the best, and there haven't been any mean words or insults thrown about.

 

How I have dealt so far is first to let myself be sad, I have watched so many of my friends go through break-ups and they try to bury their feelings and distract themselves from it, but being upset and being sad is perfectly acceptable, especially with a LTR.  I have been trying to take this time to reach out to friends and not isolate myself, but I am having trouble with that, I've forgotten the art of conversation and how to get out of my comfort zone.

 

I have also been taking this time to reflect on how I can better myself, and I haven't spent any time worrying about what I could have or should have done in the relationship, I did everything I could and so did she, but we felt that this was the best move.

 

I hope that things go better for you, and I am glad you made this post, you're a bigger amn than I am, I couldn't even get the balls to reach out to the forum, I would think about it, then talk myself out of it.  

[agunn1231]

Sorry to double post, but just missed the edit time, could a mod toss this into my other post:

 

 I also noticed that you said she felt like you were both too dependent on each other, that was a factor in my break up as well. I have noticed that most of the break ups that I Have heard about in the last few weeks independence and communication have been the two driving factors behind it. 

[dizzbizz]

That's interesting. Maybe it's the season. Haha. It's been really hard for me to accept the possibility of her being with someone else lately. Obviously that's just part of this process, but I just thought we really had something... Thanks for being supportive guys. I began song writing last night. That seemed to help a bit. I did have a dream that I slept with her best friend last night. That was strange.

[agunn1231]

Well, it should be hard to think of her woth someone else, but don't dwell on that right now, even if she does end up with someone right away,  that's on her, nothin you can do about it.

 

I've been looking at my situation as a new chapter in my life. definitely not a chapter I wanted to happen, but it is what it is. 

[dizzbizz]

That's true. I mean there's really nothing I can do about any of this. Just have to muscle through it. Forgetting Sarah Marshall is like one if my favorite movies and I keep thinking I should just fly to Hawaii for a week. Haha. Before any of this happened I thought if we ever broke up I would live that movie. Hopefully everything goes well for you agunn. Seems we're in the same boat.

On a side note: If I can ever know for a fact, that one day she thinks to herself, "I really fucked up and shouldn't have left Daniel." I'll be happy.

[agunn1231]

Yeah, I hear ya. For me, as long as she's happy then all is well. She and I were friends for a few years before we started dating, and as it stands right now we want to keep contact. Before we decided to get together we said that we wouldn't let the relationship get in thew way of being friends, and it kinda did, we got to a point where we wer just keeping each other company and sleeping in the same bed. So I feel like this is all for the best. Just trying to talk to friends about it, and have people over when i can. 

[Skoozle]

Don't worry about it.  She was just part of the path that will lead you to who you are meant to be with.

 

I went through a string of long term relationships... and then through a string of very short relationships.

 

I grew up in GA and never intended to leave the south.  I ended up taking a good opportunity in the Northern VA area.  I wasn't the kind of guy to go to dance clubs but a co-worker invited me to go out for Halloween in DC.  We got to the club a little late that night.

 

My wife was born and raised in Bangladesh.  She ended up coming to the states and of all the states she could have moved to, her family chose VA.

 

That same night, my wife had gone out with her friend after working a full shift as an airline attendant and driving back to DC from Philly.  Her friend was having a bad time and was trying to convince her to leave.  My wife convinced her friend to stay for one more song.

 

That was about the time my friend had fed me enough drinks and pep talk to get me to walk up to a girl and talk to her.

 

 

Long story short: Two people from opposite sides of the world had about a 15 minute window to meet in a crowded 4 floor night club.  If I had been a little late, or if her friend had convinced her to leave a little earlier, we would have never met and we wouldn't be happily married now with a beautiful daughter and another baby on the way.

 

Looking at my life now, I don't regret a single thing that brought me to this moment; and every second of my life, good or bad, has brought me to where I am now.

 

I wouldn't give up one time getting dumped, getting rejected or getting slapped for anything in the world.

 

Keep on going down the path. You'll get to where you're supposed to be.

[dizzbizz]

Skoozel, Agunn, thanks for your thoughts and words.
Right now I hate the bitch. We didn't break up on bad terms but I didn't have a say anyway.
I just hope everything is for the better. I don't want her coming back and expecting me to be there, because I won't be. I'm done and over with it at this point. I'm just angry she has this hold on me to affect how I feel. I just hope she's okay with her decision because she's going to have to be. I don't give a fuck if she thinks she's fucked up, because I know she did. She lost her chance on me. I'm not sticking around just cause.

[dizzbizz]

Yeah I'm drunk. Fuck her. Fuck this. Fuck her.

[agunn1231]

Man, In my opinion, the only reason she has this hold on you is because you are letting her. It sucks that you didn't have a say about it, and it is for the best. Take this time to be mad, be sad, loathe her if you need to, but know that the feelings will pass, and no matter how it seems right now, you will grow from it.

[Codyb88]

Man, In my opinion, the only reason she has this hold on you is because you are letting her. It sucks that you didn't have a say about it, and it is for the best. Take this time to be mad, be sad, loathe her if you need to, but know that the feelings will pass, and no matter how it seems right now, you will grow from it.

This man is right. I've had many relationships in my 26 years and to be honest each is a learning experience. You'll feel angry and sad but use that energy towards something productive. Perhaps music, arts, or working out. Don't sit around being idle or it WILL eat at you. Having time to over think about it at first will tear you apart. Keep in mind this situation will help guide you for future relationships as have my past ones for my current/future ones. Just don't become cold and emotionless because I took that path for about two years having meaningless "relationships" with women that I felt nothing for and I can tell you first hand you will be sorry you wasted your time. Edited April 6, 2014 by Codyb88

[dizzbizz]

Yeah that really helps put it into perspective for me. Thanks guys.